Battles With the Heart
by Chanteuse
Summary: Post Cops and Robbers. A conversation with Alexis causes some realizations for Beckett. She needs to set things right, even if it means telling Castle the truth.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello again, lovelies! **

**This story was supposed to be a one-shot, but then it took on a life of its own and before I knew it, it was over 3000 words long and I was only half way to where I wanted to be. So I've split it into two parts. The next part isn't written yet, but all the ideas are swimming around in my head and it should be up relatively soon. **

**This story is set immediately post Cops and Robbers. It's AU now, but I had a lot of fun writing it! Also, it wasn't Beta'd, so all mistakes are mine.**

**I hope you enjoy it! I'd love to hear what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**

Part One

_What a day, _Kate Beckett thought as she lifted the last sinful bite of her chocolate cheesecake to her mouth.

She leaned back contentedly in her chair, resting her hands on her full stomach, and surveyed the people around her. Across the table, Alexis was resting her head against Martha's shoulder, eyes closed. Martha, in turn, had brought her hand up and was rhythmically stroking Alexis' hair. Next to her, Castle was gazing at his mother and daughter with such love in his eyes that she couldn't help but smile as she watched him.

He turned to her. "What? What's so funny? Do I have something on my face?"

"No." she said, shaking her head, still smiling. _I'm just really happy you're all safe. _

Castle eyed her suspiciously anyway and wiped at the corners of his mouth. Kate laughed at him. She was so glad that she was able to share a meal with the three of them when only a few short hours ago she'd been certain that both Martha and Castle were dead and she would have to make good on the promise she made Castle to take care of Alexis.

She didn't want to admit it, but if she was honest with herself the last time she'd felt such gut-wrenching fear was the day her mother died. Form the second she heard the explosion to the moment she heard Castle's voice calling her name she'd been filled to the core with terror and panic. Admitting just how terrified she had been would mean admitting that they-all three Castles-had wormed their way into her heart, and there was little she could do to push them out now. She wasn't ready to face those implications quite yet.

"Come on." she said after a moment. "Help me clear the table." He smiled brightly at her as they both headed for the kitchen with their arms full of dishes.

**xxxxx**

An hour later the dishes were clean and the four of them were sitting comfortably in the living room. They'd talked through every time she and Castle had saved each other's lives and argued playfully over which ones counted with a certain dark humour.

Eventually the conversation died and although it was only a little after eight, Alexis decided that she was going to bed. Kate didn't blame the girl. She understood exactly what Alexis had been through today and to top it all off, the young girl had ended her relationship with her boyfriend.

Martha turned in not long after Alexis, which left Kate and Castle sitting alone on the couch.

"More wine?" he asked casually, rising and heading for the kitchen.

"Sure."

He returned a moment later holding the bottle of wine and she handed him her glass. He filled hers and handed it back to her, then filled his own and sat down next to her. He clinked his glass against hers wordlessly, just as he'd done earlier.

"Hell of a day, huh?" he commented.

"Mmm." She hummed into her glass. "That's an understatement if there ever was one."

They sat there for a moment, warm and drowsy from the wine, drinking each other in. What came out of his mouth next, however, shot her into alertness.

"I was so scared, you know. I kept thinking how I might never see Alexis again, and how she might lose _two_ loved ones all at once if we were to die. She's my baby girl, you know?" His voice was heavy with emotion.

Kate swallowed, uncertain of how much of this she wanted to hear.

"And when you came through those doors dressed in that paramedic's uniform…" He trailed off.

She felt herself flush. She was beginning to grow uncomfortable with where the conversation was going but she couldn't find it in her to speak.

"And then after you'd left I kept thinking what if that's the last time I'll ever see Beckett? I mean, I never doubted that you'd get us out, but the worst case scenario always plays in your mind. What if that's the last time I'll ever see Beckett and she won't know how I-"

She placed her index finger against his lips, silencing him.

"_Don't._" she said, almost violently, eyes glimmering. "_Don't_ finish that sentence. You're here. Martha is here. You are both safe and that is all that matters, understand? The 'what if's' don't matter because they _didn't happen._"

"Were _you_ scared, Kate?" he whispered against her finger, looking straight into her eyes. His question hung in the air between them and it took everything in her not to tell him _exactly_ how she'd felt.

"Yes." She nodded, "Very scared." _To put it mildly._

They held each other's gazes for a moment longer. Kate finally removed her finger from his lips, reached for her glass of wine and drank deeply.

A tense silence fell for a few moments. She watched as Castle reached for the remote and turned the TV on. He flicked through the channels and selected some romantic comedy from the 90s starring Tom Hanks and a blonde actress whose name she couldn't remember.

He leaned back into the cushions so that their bodies were touching from shoulder to knee. He didn't speak and he didn't look at her, but Kate could feel that he wasn't angry.

As discreetly as she could manage, she brought her head to rest on his shoulder.

She chalked it up to the wine and the fact that she'd almost lost him.

**xxxxx**

It hadn't been an eventful day at the precinct. No bodies had dropped, so Kate took the opportunity to finish the paperwork she'd been unable to finish the day before. Castle had even dropped by for a couple of hours, much to her surprise.

She was in the middle of making herself a cup of tea, anticipating curling up on her couch with a book when she heard a knock at the door.

She opened the door and was astonished to find Alexis standing behind it.

"H-Hi." She stammered. The young girl looked nervous and Kate felt a small twinge of apprehension. She liked to think that she and Alexis had established a friendly rapport but Alexis had seemingly distanced herself from her since she'd been shot. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course." Kate said, opening the door and stepping out of the way so Alexis could enter. "You want some tea? I was in the middle of making some."

"Sure." Alexis said quietly, following Kate into the kitchen.

As Kate set about hauling mugs from the cupboard and opening a new package of teabags, she could see Alexis in her periphery shifting from foot to foot. Anxiety was rolling off her in waves.

"Have a seat." Kate said, turning and handing Alexis a steaming mug and motioning to her kitchen table. Alexis sat ramrod-straight on the edge of her chair. _What is going on? _ Kate wondered as she took her own seat across from Alexis. It wasn't normal for Alexis to be so incredibly uneasy. "What's up? Is anything wrong?"

"No. I just…" Alexis trailed off and didn't speak for several moments. Kate sipped her tea and waited patiently for the girl to speak.

Staring into her mug she finally whispered. "I just never got to properly thank you for saving my dad and Grams."

Kate exhaled in relief. _Was that all?_ "Alexis, you don't have to thank me. It wasn't like there was any other option for me."

"But there _was_ another option." The sudden force behind girl's voice took Beckett by surprise. Kate met her gaze and saw tears shining in her eyes. "They could have _died._ But they didn't because of you. So…thank you."

"I…I just did what I had to do to get everyone out safe." She wanted no thanks. Castle was her partner. She'd risk her life for his without a second thought.

"I know." Alexis replied, and for the first time since she'd walked through the door she smiled, though only slightly.

They drank tea in silence for a while and Kate noted that Alexis' posture had relaxed somewhat.

"I wanted to apologize." She said.

Kate stared at her. _What?_

"Apologize? What for?"

"For what I said to you at the bank. For how I said it. I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I was just so _scared_. I knew that you were doing everything you could. Truthfully I was so thankful that _you_ were there to handle things because I know you understand what-" Her voice wavered suddenly and she stopped, unable to speak through her emotion.

"You don't have to-"Kate began, but Alexis cut her off, holding up a hand to silence her.

"No, I do." She said, breathing deeply, attempting to control the tempest of emotion within her. "I-I need to finish. Let me finish."

"Okay. Take your time." This was _not _what she had expected to happen when she'd opened the door to Alexis barely a half an hour ago.

"I was so _angry _with you." She said when she was finally calm enough to control her emotions.

Kate remained silent and hoped the tiny stab of hurt she felt didn't show in her eyes.

"I…Why?"

"Because…"she stopped for a moment, rethinking how best to explain herself. Kate waited nervously, wiping her suddenly sweaty palms on her jeans. Finally, she began again. "What do you remember about the day you were shot?"

Kate felt herself pale. Could she tell Alexis? It would be so easy. It would be so easy to just _tell_ someone, to be able to share this burden with someone else. Anyone else. But it wouldn't be fair to ask Alexis to keep it a secret from her father, especially when the situation was already so unfair. No. The only person besides her therapist who would know her secret when it came time to reveal it would be Castle.

"I don't remember anything." She lied. She could feel Alexis' gaze scrutinizing her from across the table. Kate couldn't bring herself to look in the girl's face, afraid that she might see the lie in her eyes.

"Can I tell you what I remember, then?" Kate nodded slowly and suddenly wished that she had something a little stronger than tea to drink.

Alexis didn't speak for several minutes. When she did, it was quiet and the tears in her voice were barely controlled.

"At the time I wasn't even sure which happened first, dad screaming your name and tackling you or the gunshot. All I knew was that one second I could see you both and the next I couldn't and for a few seconds I didn't know-" She paused and let out a sob, tears falling down her cheeks, overcome by the memory. "I didn't know if dad was alive or not and during those few seconds I was more scared that I had ever been in my entire life."

"Oh, Alexis."

Kate felt terrible. The guilt of what she'd put this girl through settled heavily in her stomach like a stone.

"Grams drove us to the hospital and dad rode in the ambulance with you. I knew then that Dad was okay, but I couldn't even really experience the relief I was feeling because it was replaced with worry for you. Those hours we spent at the hospital were _terrible_, Kate."

Kate stiffened. It was the first time Alexis had ever called her by her first name.

"Not knowing if you were going to make it and then your boyfriend came out and said that it was Dad's fault that you'd got shot. I know that if we hadn't stopped them, things would've come to blows."

"I'm sorry…" Kate wasn't sure what else to say.

"You don't have to apologize for Josh's behaviour. It wasn't your fault. But it did hurt Dad. Grams was trying to convince him that it wasn't his fault. He wasn't the one who shot you. I overheard him telling her that your heart had stopped in the ambulance. And then he broke down. Can you believe that I hadn't seen my dad cry up to that point? I have absolutely _no_ memories of him ever shedding a tear. Not real tears, anyway. Tears of anguish."

Kate felt her own tears stinging her eyes. _I had no idea…_

"But he cried over you. And that's when I realized the…" she paused, searching for the right word, "_extent_ to which he feels for you. I realized that he'd do anything for you. He'd _die_ for you, just as I know he'd die for me, too."

Kate closed her eyes at Alexis' words, feeling the tears slip down her cheeks. Even if it was something she already knew, hearing the words spoken by Alexis caused a tightness in her chest. She rubbed at her scar through her shirt.

"Then we heard you were okay and that you were gonna live and we were all so, _so_ happy. Dad especially was nearly coming out of his skin with relief. And then when he was finally able to visit you it was like he was finally coming around. He was filled with this sort of giddy nervousness. He was so excited to finally see you again."

Kate _ached_. She knew why he'd been nervous. He'd walked into that hospital room that day expecting her to remember his confession. And what had she told him? _There are some things better not being remembered._ The depth of the hurt she'd caused him with her lie took her breath away.

"He came home from the hospital that day and slept for twelve straight hours and woke up looking _rested_. He told me that you'd said that you needed some time, but that you'd probably call in a couple of days, so it was okay."

"But then I didn't call." Kate supplied and brought up a hand to wipe at her cheeks.

Alexis just nodded. Kate saw that there was no anger in Alexis' eyes, just compassion, forgiveness and a small amount of pity. It made Kate want to come undone. She didn't deserve Alexis' forgiveness or compassion. She was suddenly terrified by the thought that Alexis understood why she was the way she was; that she might be accepting of her, even when Kate could barely accept herself.

"Dad was like a lost puppy. He just went through the motions for those months. And I was angry at you for doing that to him. For causing that hurt. I understand more now, I think, but back then I obviously didn't have a clear head about any of it.

"One night I begged him to stop shadowing you. I told him it was too dangerous. What would I do if he died? What if there came a time when he wasn't so lucky or you couldn't protect him and he got himself killed because he couldn't bring himself to stop following you? Even when _everybody_ knows that he hasn't been following you to do research for the majority of your partnership."

Kate swallowed, but couldn't speak past the lump stuck in her throat.

"I think it was that night that he really realized how worried his family was about him, how seriously Grams and I had been affected by the shooting and the aftermath. After Captain Gates kicked him out of the precinct, he told me he wouldn't be going back. I was glad. Relieved, really. He could stop pretending to be a cop and go back to being a writer.

"But then you walked back into his life it was like nothing had changed. He was back at the precinct, back in danger. He said it was just for this one case, but I knew there was no way he could keep himself away from you."

By this point Kate had stopped bothering to wipe the tears trailing down her cheeks away.

"You make him happy, Detective. I understand that now, and I could never ask him to stop shadowing you. I realized at the bank yesterday that you as much as he cares for you, I think; it's just that you have a different way of showing it."

"I do. I care. About all of you."

Alexis smiled. Genuinely this time. "I know. Thank you."

Kate found it in her to smile back.

"I just wanted you to understand where my hostility and anger was coming from. It was just excess, if you will, from the summer. It shouldn't have happened, and I don't feel that way anymore, but it was out of my control and I'm very sorry."

Kate marveled at this girl. So perceptive and caring. If she were in Alexis' position, she'd probably still be angry and hurt. She wouldn't even blame Alexis if she stayed angry forever. She'd take the punishment with pleasure. She deserved it.

"It's okay. Thank _you_, Alexis."

"I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to, but I felt I needed to tell you."

"Stop apologizing. You're absolutely right. And I'm glad you came here tonight." It _was_ something she'd needed to hear, even if she hadn't realized it.

Alexis smiled, relief all over her face. Kate felt like she'd slipped back into something akin to friendship with the girl and she'd do whatever she could to keep it that way.

After a beat she said, almost hesitantly, "You know, Alexis, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about you and Ashley."

Alexis looked touched and a little sad. "It's okay. I really miss him, but things weren't working out. I don't think our relationship was really healthy, and I think it's better this way. Maybe we'll even be able to be friends someday."

"Maybe." Said Kate. "It happens."

Alexis lifted her mug in acknowledgement, bringing it to her lips. She grimaced comically when she realized the tea had gone cold. "Eugh. Cold tea."

Kate laughed.

"I guess that's my cue to leave." Alexis sighed, rising. "It's getting late and I've got a quiz in the morning."

"Okay. I'll see you out." Beckett said and led the way to the door. "Wait…how did you get here?" she asked, turning around.

"I...took a cab. Dad doesn't know I'm here."

"Whoa. Okay. No way am I letting you take a cab home by yourself at this time of night. Your father would kill me."

"Well, we can't have that, can we?" Alexis said cheekily.

And in that moment Kate knew that things between her and Alexis were going to be okay.

"C'mon. I'll drive you home."

**Xxxxx**

Three quarters of an hour later Alexis was home safe and Kate was back in her apartment. Their conversation weighed heavily on her mind, on her heart.

If she'd known then what she knew now…

With a sinking feeling, she knew what needed to be done in order to ease the ache that had taken up residence in her chest and hopefully put things right.

She just hoped she had the courage to go through with it.

**That's it for Part 1! Part two should be up as soon as I find the time to write it.**

**Thanks so much for reading and don't forget to review! 3**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: See, this is why I normally write one-shots only. It takes me forever to post other installments. I'm so sorry for the wait, but I'm sure you know how it is. Finals happened, then Christmas happened. And I finally finished this last night.**

**A little about this installment: The last part was from Kate's POV, and this one is from Castle's for reasons that I hope will become apparent. It's AU in that it wouldn't fit with how the show played out post Cops and Robbers. Beckett is more vulnerable than usual, but I figure it's plausible given that she's been opening herself more and has been seeing a therapist as well. This hasn't been beta'd, so mistakes are mine. This one ran in at just over 4,100 words. It's the longest piece I've ever written.**

**I really, **_**really**_** want to know what you guys think. Review, please. Even if it's just to say that you liked it. Or didn't like it. Whatever. **

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**

Part Two

Rick Castle was watching Kate Beckett. She'd been acting funny all week, walking on eggshells around him. Since the bank heist he'd caught her staring at him several times with a look in her eyes that puzzled him. It was as if she was afraid he was going to vanish into thin air. He knew she was trying to be subtle about these stolen glances, but given the amount of time he spent watching her, it wasn't hard to miss. But she didn't even act embarrassed about it like she normally did when he'd catch her looking at him on occasion. She'd just stare back, holding his gaze, drinking him in.

She'd been quiet all week, and he just assumed that she was still working through what had happened at the bank. He knew he certainly was. He hadn't slept well the past few nights.

He was sitting in his chair next to her desk, watching her clue up for the weekend.

"So, Beckett, any plans for tonight?"

"No," she said, slowly, suspiciously. "Why?"

"Could I maybe interest you in a burger and a shake at Remy's?" Maybe dinner and company would cheer her up a little. "My treat."

She stopped packing her desk to look up at him. _That look_ was there in her eyes again. That subtle fear and pain in her expression. She stared at him like that for a while until he said "Beckett?"

"Uh, yeah." She said, coming out of her thoughts, "Yeah. Remy's sounds great, Castle." She smiled at him, the vulnerability that had been in her eyes only a second ago had all but vanished.

"Okay. Let's go." He said. She nodded and followed him out of the precinct.

**xxxxx**

She ate every bit of her meal, surprising him. He'd assumed she'd barely eat at all, given the way she'd been acting all week. He wasn't sure if it was just so he wouldn't worry, or that she was simply really hungry after a long day. It was as if nothing had been bothering her all week. Castle knew differently, though, and he was determined to know what was on her mind.

"How are you, Beckett?" He asked finally, resting his chin on his folded hands.

"What do you mean, Castle? I'm fine." She reached over and grabbed one of the leftover fries on his plate. "How's Alexis?" She asked, changing the subject.

_Okay, Beckett. Have it your way. _

"She's doing well, actually." He could've sworn he'd seen a flash of relief in her eyes. "I think she's decided against early graduation."

"You must be glad about that."

"Definitely." He nodded emphatically. "I hope she's realized that she should be in no rush to grow up. The real world isn't all it's cracked up to be. I was worried about her for a while there, you know, after she didn't get into Stanford. She was devastated. "

Beckett nodded. "I know. But you don't need to worry about her, Castle. She's a wonderful, bright intuitive young woman. She'll be alright. But, then, I don't really need to tell _you _that, do I?"

"No, you do not." He said, smiling.

After a moment, Castle decided to try again. "So…How're you doing?"

Beckett looked at him, suddenly exasperated, from across the table. "You _just_ asked me that, Castle! I told you, I'm fine!"

"Okay, okay." He held up his hands in supplication. "You're fine. I believe you. Sorry. I won't ask again."

"Thank you. Now go pay for dinner." And she shot him one of those beautiful, playful grins that he loved so much.

"Yes ma'am."

**xxxxxx**

The night outside was cool and clear, and if they weren't in the middle of New York City Castle was sure they'd be able to see countless stars. One of the downsides of living in the city, he supposed.

They left Remy's side by side and began their trek down the block to her car.

"You know I don't _really_ believe you, right?" he said half-jokingly, gently nudging her arm with his elbow.

She sighed. "I know."

They reached the car and got in. Castle turned in his seat to face her as she started the car and buckled her seatbelt. She didn't look at him, but faced forward instead, her hands poised on the steering wheel, her head bowed. She didn't speak for several tense moments.

Finally, she lifted her head to look at him. "Soon. I'll tell you soon."

Castle was stunned. So there definitely _was_ something going on with her, and since she'd just said that she was going to tell him _willfully_ what that elusive 'something' was, it had to be important.

"Okay." He said sombrely. "Okay."

It worried Castle that she couldn't just tell him here and now. It was as though she was preparing herself to drop a huge bombshell on him. Maybe that was exactly what was going to happen. His worry increased. He thought back over the past week. She'd been fine at his apartment after the bank, eating dinner with his family, drinking wine and watching stupid movies. What could he have done between then and now to upset Beckett?

The ride to his apartment passed in silence, with Castle staring out the window, his unease growing with every passing mile.

**xxxxx**

Around seven thirty the following night, he received a text from Beckett. He'd spent the day writing, and was relieved to receive something to distract him.

_Hey, are Martha and Alexis home?_ it reads, and any relief he'd felt immediately disappeared, replaced by an increase in the tension that had been sitting in the bottom of his stomach since he'd left her the night before. His mother and Alexis were indeed out, enjoying some grandmother/granddaughter bonding time at dinner and a show. The fact that she presumably _wanted_ them out while she told him whatever she needed to tell him caused him anxiety. He texted her to tell her so, and received a reply shortly after.

_Do you mind if I come over? Have you eaten? I could bring pizza…_

He glanced over at his kitchen table where there were several empty takeout containers and cursed himself for deciding to eat so early. _What the hell, _he thought. Any excuse to spend as much time as possible with her.

_**You most certainly can come over. And bring pizza or I'm not letting you in. ;) **_

His phone buzzed in reply not even a minute later.

_Ok. See you soon. _

**xxxxxx**

She showed up at his door an hour later carrying a pizza and half a dozen beer. They ate on the couch and talked amicably in their unique, playful banter; deep affection masked by sarcasm and teasing insults. On the outside, Beckett looked just fine. But Castle could see anxiety bubbling just under the surface. Like she was trying just a little too hard to act normal.

Eventually, when nothing remained of the pizza and two thirds of the beer had been drunk, they settled into a companionable silence. Castle decided to jump at the opportunity when he could.

"So…Was there another reason you came over?" He asked, already knowing the answer. "I mean, besides being unable to resist my company?"

Her reaction wasn't what he expected. He expected her to roll her eyes, or tell him to get over himself, or even laugh. Instead, the smile that had been on her face fell, and the look that had been haunting her eyes all week returned.

"Yes, there was." She cleared her throat, took a deep breath. "Alexis came to see me earlier this week."

"What? _When?_ And how did I not know about it?" He was surprised and then worry overcame him. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine, Castle. She came by the night after the bank, and you didn't know about it because she didn't want you to. I don't know what she told you she was doing that night, but she lied. She was with me."

Castle was confused and a little hurt. "Why wouldn't she want me to know that she wanted to see you?"

"Because she wanted to apologize to me." She said honestly. "Not that she needed to. And I guess she didn't tell you because she might've been embarrassed."

"Apologize for what?" His brow furrowed as he contemplated what Alexis could've said or done for her to think she needed to apologize to Beckett.

He watched Beckett wearily rub a hand over her face before turning to look at him. "Outside the bank, Alexis and I had an…exchange, and she apologized to me because she thought she'd come across a little too harsh."

"And did she?" Castle asked, upset at the thought that Alexis might've hurt Beckett.

Beckett thought for a moment. "Yes. _But_," she cut him off as he opened his mouth to speak, "I didn't take it personally. I didn't!" she insisted when he shot her an incredulous look. "She explained to me _why_ she acted the way she did."

"Why? It's not like Alexis to act like that."

She nodded. "I know. And I need you to promise me that you _will not_ be angry with her before I continue, okay?"

The apprehension he'd felt immediately doubled. Would he have a reason to be angry with Alexis? Nevertheless, he agreed because he wanted to hear what she had to say. "Okay."

Beckett looked him straight in the eyes. "She told me what she remembered from the summer. Starting with the moment I was shot."

_Oh no. This was not okay. _He reacted angrily, feeling responsible for his daughter's behaviour."She shouldn't have done that. She had no-"

"_Castle!"_ Beckett exclaimed, raising her voice slightly. "You promised not be angry with her. She asked if she could tell me, and I told her yes. It's okay. I'm glad she did, even though a lot of it was hard to hear."

"Okay." He said, calming slightly but still tense. "Continue."

"She told me about the shooting as she saw it. She told me about how you dealt with everything. About how Josh was way out of line and how you blame yourself, about how you didn't know what to do with yourself when you weren't sure if I was going to live, how you acted when you were finally allowed to see me and about how you were during the summer when I didn't call you."

Castle could hear his pulse in his ears. The memories of those feelings came back to him in a rush; the terror and subsequent relief were as real as they had been all those months ago. What else had Alexis told her?

Kate took another deep breath, closed her eyes. "She told me how hurt you were. I mean, I know I hurt you, but I hadn't realized how much until the other night."

He could see pain on her expression, and hear it in her voice. And while his heart went out to her, he couldn't deny that she'd really hurt him.

"But the hardest part for me," she continued, "was when she told me how terrified and hurt _she'd _been. She said you told her you'd stop shadowing me."

He nodded. It had broken his heart when Alexis had downright _begged_ him to stop shadowing Beckett. He never wanted to cause Alexis such hurt ever again. And he knew that he'd hurt her when he'd gone back to the precinct after he'd promised her he wouldn't.

"Kate I-"he needed to explain himself. Needed to tell her that he hadn't done it to hurt her, he'd just been so caught up in the lead they'd found on the shooter and by proxy her mother's case, so caught up in _her_ that he'd forgotten his promise to his daughter. But before he could continue, she was talking again.

"I just…Castle, I feel so _guilty. _ I didn't mean to hurt her. And it got me thinking, too. What if you get really hurt one day? What if you _die_ out there, Castle, like you could have at the funeral, taking a bullet for me?"

She stopped to look at him, her eyes shining, a rawness in her expression that he'd never seen before. The intensity of her emotions scared him.

"I know what it's like to lose a parent, Rick, and if one day I have to look your daughter in the eye and tell her you're not coming home…" she broke off abruptly, pulling in her emotions, "It would shatter me. Absolutely."

He looked at her, astounded by her sudden candidness with her emotions, and was overcome by his own feelings. He had never loved her more than in that moment, knowing she cared so much for his family.

"I don't know what to say." He said finally, years of crafting words to sound just right utterly useless to him now.

"You don't have to say anything, but there's something I need you to promise me."

"I…okay." He just hoped it was something that he _could _promise her.

"I toyed briefly with the idea of ending our partnership for Alexis' sake."

Castle felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. She couldn't. Not when they were so close.

"But I can't." She said, and he found himself able to breathe again. "Mostly because I'm selfish, and partly because you would most likely just weasel your way back in anyway." She smirked at this, and he felt the corners of his mouth turning upward as well. He knew there was a lot underneath that statement that she wasn't ready to admit to yet, but he was happy with whatever she was willing to give him for now.

"You wanted me to promise you something, Detective?" he said, prompting her anxiously.

"Right," she nodded, "I think the chances of this happening again are very unlikely, but if Alexis _ever-_for whatever reason- asks you to stop shadowing me again, I want you to promise me that you'll listen to her and stop."

He was floored. He wanted to refuse her outright, but the more he thought about it, the more he could see where she was coming from. She didn't want to be the cause of any rifts in his relationship with his daughter. And it had caused _her_ pain to cause Alexis pain, and she was just trying to avoid that happening again.

"Alexis and I have come to an understanding," she said after he'd been silent for a while, "and she knows that shadowing me makes you happy and so she's okay with it. She and I are okay. This is mostly for my peace of mind, but I also need you to take this seriously and mean it, too. Because I _am _serious. But, again, it probably won't happen."

"Okay." He agreed. "I promise. For Alexis and your peace of mind." He hoped what she said was true. That Alexis wouldn't ever ask him to stop shadowing her, because he wasn't sure how he'd get over it if she did. He knew he would listen, though, because he couldn't cause her any more hurt and he'd just promised Beckett that he would.

"Thank you." She said. She smiled sadly at him.

He smiled back and put a reassuring arm on her shoulder. He began to relax and reached for another beer when she put a hand on his arm, stopping him.

"Wait. There's more."

"O-kay." He said, turning his full attention back to her. He looked at her and noticed tears gathering in earnest on her bottom lashes.

"Kate. Hey." He said gently, reaching for her hand and moving closer to her so that their thighs were touching. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. You can trust me."

She was squeezing his hand impossibly tight. "I know, I know." A tear fell down her cheek. "And I do…it's just…I'm afraid you'll hate me after I say what I have to say. But my conversation with Alexis opened my eyes and I realized that I need to tell you the truth even if it _does_ make you hate me. It's not fair to either of us."

His own heart filled with her anguish as he brought his free hand up to wipe away the tear that had fallen, briefly caressing her cheek with the backs of his fingers.

"I could _never_ hate you. _Ever._" He said, trying to quell the fear he saw in her eyes, and Castle was sure he'd never spoken truer words.

She smiled a watery, thankful smile at him, but he could tell she wasn't convinced.

"Okay. Here it is." She took a deep breath, and squeezed his hand tightly. Her hazel eyes met his, and in them he saw a thousand different emotions laid bare. "I remember everything." She whispered, and he watched another tear roll down her cheek as she closed her eyes.

"Remember what, exactly?" he asked her, afraid to hear the answer. Afraid of what it might mean.

"The shooting. I remember everything."

_Oh._ "Everything?"

"Everything." She said breathlessly, holding his hand now in both of hers, as if that might somehow tether him to her.

"Okay. It's okay, Kate. Everything'll work itself out." He reassured her, even though his own emotions were storming inside him. He saw relief in her eyes, and was confident that they _would_ work through it until he asked: "When did your memories come back?"

A stricken look replaced the relief in her features, and he knew immediately what it meant. He closed his eyes and waited for her to say the words.

"I never forgot."

A wave of emotion came over him that was hurt and anger and betrayal all at once. Castle opened his eyes and looked at her-tears leaking from her eyes and lips quivering-and then found that he couldn't without hurting, so he turned his face away.

He needed a moment. He needed to move. He needed to take a few deep breaths.

He removed is hand from hers and walked to the window.

"Castle," she said almost desperately, "Rick, _please_."

He heard her rise from the couch and take a few steps, then stop, probably figuring that approaching him right now might be a bad idea. She didn't sit back down.

"Let me explain." She pleaded.

He remained at the window, staring into the night, and didn't answer her right away. He felt betrayed. He recalled her words that day at the hospital. _Some things are better left forgotten. _The words took on an entirely new, painful meaning. Why hadn't she just _told_ him she remembered everything? Did she not trust him? Well, if he wanted to know the truth he'd have to turn around and listen to her reasoning, wouldn't he?

He took a deep breath and turned to face her, crossing his arms over his chest. She looked so vulnerable and upset that he almost felt bad for her. "Okay. Explain."

"I knew." She began. "I knew as soon as I woke up in the hospital that I wasn't ready to deal with what happened that day. So I lied to you. I lied to you and I ran. I was just…so overwhelmed. I just needed space and time to recover. Physically and mentally."

Her words reminded him of the explanation she'd given him after his book signing a couple of months ago.

"I would've helped you recover, you know." He told her quietly. "Even if we never talked about…it. I would've done anything you'd asked."

"I know. I know that. And you did, Castle. I told you I needed space and you gave it to me. I feel terrible about not calling. And… I wanted to give you time to take it back, if you felt so inclined."

He couldn't believe her. He wanted to shake her, yell at her, something to quell the anger rushing through his veins.

"Take it back?" he fumed, taking a step closer to her. "Why would I want to take it back?"

"Because I was bleeding out in your arms!"

Castle fell silent, her outburst startling him. He looked at her and saw that tears had gathered in her eyes once again.

"I was dying in your arms, and I didn't want to face the possibility that you'd said it for that reason alone. That you hadn't meant it and had only said it because you thought I was dying."

_Oh. Oh, Beckett._ He just stared at her, dumbfounded unsure what to say. His anger had almost completely drained away.

After several moments of silence, she looked to the floor, defeated. She drew in a shaky, gasping breath, reigning in her emotions as best she could. "Okay. Okay. I'll just…I'll just go." She turned to leave, and this finally brought Castle out of his stupor.

He grabbed her arm as she came to move past him and pulled her to stand in front of him.

"It scared you to think that I didn't mean it?"

"I…Yeah. It did."

Castle was acutely aware of the courage it had taken her to make that confession. And with that, his remaining anger disappeared. There remained only a dull ache of hurt that he knew he'd overcome with time.

"Well, I did mean it. I love you, Kate." He reached out and tenderly pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"Yeah?" she said quietly, hopefully.

"Yeah." He replied, coaxing her into his arms.

She went willingly, wrapping her arms around his waist tightly. He felt her exhale a shaky breath against his neck. "I thought you'd never want to see me again."

He moved his head so that his mouth was beside her ear. "Never. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt, that it doesn't _still_ hurt a little. But like I said earlier…we'll work through this."

"I know. I know we will. It's just…by not telling you I thought I was protecting you from me. From what I mess I've become. I didn't want you to know." She mumbled into his neck.

But the truth was he already knew. And it didn't matter.

She pulled back and met his gaze. "I'm so sorry I broke your trust."

He thought about his own secret. He realized that he couldn't stay mad with her when he was keeping a secret that was perhaps even bigger and not be called a hypocrite. She'd even used the same reasoning that he was using. He thought he was protecting her by investigating her mother's murder behind her back, and she thought she'd been protecting him by hiding her memories from him.

He didn't know what to say, so he just held her tighter. After a moment, she pulled out of his embrace and met his gaze.

"I know it hasn't been easy, but I want you to know that I've been seeing a therapist and it's been helping."

_Well,_ he thought,_ that might explain how she managed to bring herself to be so vulnerable tonight._

"That's good." He replied. "I'm glad you're seeking the help you need." _Even if it's not from me._

"I can't say it back yet."

He was about to tell her that she didn't have to, but she continued talking.

"Do you remember the talk we had on the swings?"

He nodded, a knot of anxiety forming in his stomach.

"Remember how I told you that I can't have the kind of relationship I want until we solve my mother's murder? Well, it's more than just that. It's not _just_ about solving her case. I need to learn to let go of her, too. I need to learn to hold her in my heart differently than I have been these past twelve years. And every day I feel myself coming closer and closer to the point where I know I'll be ready to try and achieve that.

"But that relationship that I want, Castle? It's with you. Will you wait for me? I know it's not fair of me to ask you to wait, but…" she trailed off.

He felt his eyes burn. She might as well have said 'I love you, too.' Elation swept through him.

"Of course, Kate…" He said, crushing her to him once again, burying his nose in her hair. "Kate, Kate, Kate." He repeated reverently, because there was nothing else on his tongue but her name.

"I don't deserve you, you know." She placed a lingering kiss against his throat. "We'll be okay, Castle."

He nodded into her hair, but a new fear seized him and he now had a very real inkling of how she'd felt tonight.

Would she still want a relationship with him when his secret saw light? Would she forgive him?

He held her tighter and hoped against hope that her words would stay true.

_End._

**I might write a companion piece where Castle's secret comes out, if you're interested. Let me know if that's something you'd like to see! **

**Thank you for reading, now go review! :D**


End file.
